It’s been one year since we started trying for a baby.
This is not an anniversary I’ve been looking forward to. I thought I would handle it well and just accept how life has turned out.
But I’m very sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m mourning. I feel like something is very wrong with me, and in a few days I will find out if I’m even capable of having a child.
The fact that doctors make you wait a year until they even actually check… it’s just awful.
I hate how many people are telling me to relax. That it will be okay. To try these exercises, start eating these foods, etc. etc.
I wish someone can just tell me, “that fucking sucks” and just hug me. I wish they didn’t try to offer any consolation, I just want to be sad and feel like it’s okay to be sad about it.
Instead, any time I show a moment of sadness, my husband swoops in and asks me a million questions. Constantly checking on me and won’t let me just feel what I want to feel.
I don’t want pity. I just want to punch something. I catch myself thinking, “well, do we want to travel there in the fall? What if I’m pregnant?”
It’s such a stupid line of thought. “What if” “what if” “what if.” What if I only have one leg. What if I lost an eye. What if we won the lottery by then?
I have to stop thinking like that. I’m not going to bank on anything happening. I just want to focus on today and when tomorrow comes, only focus on that. I don’t want to think about the future.
No more what ifs.