Right now, I’m at 8 weeks and 5 days. At least, I think I am at 8 weeks and 5 days. We’ve only seen it once, and it was at 6 weeks 4 days and it had a really strong heartbeat, at 133 bpm.
Is it growing? Is it alive? I have no clue.
My symptoms are still strong. I get nauseated occasionally, my boobs hurt SO MUCH, I’m constantly tired, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I just look at a picture of my childhood dog and I start bawling.
TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF LOSS BELOW
But there is something called a Missed Miscarriage (MMC). It’s very rare, and it is different from a “standard” miscarriage (MC). A MC is when the fetus stops growing and your body naturally passes the fetus.
You start cramping, pain, bleeding, and depending on how far along you are, it can seem like your period or be a serious, heavy flow that may require medical help to manage.
A MMC is when your body is carrying on with the pregnancy as normal, when in fact it stopped growing and died. Either the heartbeat never formed or it stopped beating. The placenta is still growing, or for some other reason your body didn’t get the message.
Women who face a MMC can wait to have it pass naturally, or they can take an abortive pill or get a D&C.
So that means, you feel pregnant, your body is behaving like you’re pregnant, but the reality is the fetus stopped growing. It isn’t alive anymore and it will never be a baby.
I live in fear of this, as I’m sure every other pregnant woman who wants to have a baby.
I can also imagine women who have unwanted pregnancies, they are hoping and praying the fetus will just die on its own. It’s funny how badly either way can be wanted, and how absolutely crushing it can be if it is opposite of what you want.
I’ve been writing a dairy for the future baby. Yesterday, I wrote that this might not be for this you. This fetus growing inside me, maybe it will not be our baby. But it will be for you, for the eventual you who will come into our lives.
Whether I carried them naturally, needed a surrogate, or adopted. The love I write for them, it translates across to all of our children. I hope they know, no matter how they come into our lives, they are loved and wanted.
We eagerly anticipate them. We hope for them. We hope we can be good parents. We will try, so hard, to help them be good and happy.