Mental Health, Ramblings

To the Woman in Love with My Husband

You weren’t thrilled when we met.

I know you were surprised and you tried to take it in stride. But around this time, your cat died and your then-boyfriend was not very sensitive about it. I saw, on social media, that you were having a hard time so I told my then-boyfriend (now husband) to contact you.

He did, and you texted him constantly. You began to lean on him, more than either of us anticipated. But he has a big heart and just knew you were in pain. At one point, you and your boyfriend “separated” and he moved out. You texted my then-boyfriend whether he ever thought about suicide.

Now leading up to that event on that day, my husband’s brother was being a huge, insufferable asshole. He was being racist to me, yelling at my husband and saying how I am a mistake to be in his life. He made my husband cry more times than I care to remember, and I spent so much time just holding him as I promised him that his brother still loves him.

Well once you texted my husband that you were thinking about killing yourself, he ran out the door. I wanted one evening with him where his asshole brother isn’t texting or calling and yelling at him. I just made dinner and he grabbed his jacket and told me what happened to you and ran out.

You also don’t know that before I met any of you, I went through three hospitalizations, intensive therapy, and a slew of medications. I’ve been there and beyond that, I tried to take my life. I failed, thankfully, but it took 6 strong psychiatric medications to level me out and 6 years of intense therapy where I had to re-build my entire identity. I had to learn how to make myself whole.

When he came back at midnight, I knew I had to tell him what I thought. He laid this bombshell on me a few days before that you professed your undying love for him some years ago, and he turned you down. You stopped talking for a long time, and it was really only when your cat died when you started to bond again.

I knew he held you as you cried. I knew he made sure you were safe and comfortable. I knew he would listen to you as you poured your heart out. All things you should do to your partner, who you only recently decided was not the person for you.

He listened as I spoke, and he began to shake and cry because he realized that I might break up with him. I wasn’t planning on it, but if he did defend you and say that you didn’t overstep your bounds then I would have walked away. His asshole brother, poverty, my family hating my choices, and now he is going to defend his decision to run to the arms of a girl who has a history of pleading and begging for him to love her?

I told him that next time you do that, that he should tell you he is going to call 9-1-1 if he thinks you’re being serious. That is what you should do. Your friends and family aren’t trained professionals and you can’t burden them with that sort of talk if you truly mean it. If you just want to say it to manipulate him, then you succeeded.

I don’t have a lot of love for you simply because you made it super clear that I am not welcome. I invited you over to make friends, and I made dinner from scratch. You sat there and picked at the food and only spoke to him the entire time. I was at the table, but you completely ignored me.

When my husband tried to distance himself from you, just so you rely on your therapist and not him, you lashed out. Then when we got married in a park and forced to change everything to make his mom and brother happy, you were offended that you weren’t invited. I didn’t invite any of my friends and only had immediate family, but you felt entitled to be there. Enough where you made several social media posts on how you only keep true friends.

You continued to cut me out of social media, which upset me at first because I didn’t really realize any of the above until I saw those posts. You rallied mutual friends around you, and found only one person actually agreed with you. You tried to poison people against me, and thankfully most of them didn’t listen.

When his brother got married, you were given a special role in the wedding because you just went through a breakup. You were given a card and warm hugs from the bride and groom. I was given nothing. Nothing at all. I was excluded from most of the photos because I am “not family”.

I also spent the week leading up to the wedding spending every last penny in my account to pay for their gift, my cheap dress, and food to feed out of town guests. I also housed their father in my home for a week, as I ferried people around and tried to keep a smile on my face. I slept on an air mattress in a cramped spare room as his father had me wash his dirty underwear and leave me to do dishes and make all of the meals.

I don’t look back on any of this with a smile. It still hurts, remembering how cruelly I was treated and how you tried your very best to color me in a bad light. I always come back to: what did I do?

I married the man you thought belong to you. You think that because you have known each other since middle school and how you always loved him should mean that you guys are meant to be. You professed feelings for him, went to his college graduation, and watched as he got his heart broken by another girl.

So you assume you have prior claim.

But the reality is, you told him how he felt and his answer was always the same. He never shared those feelings. You are trying to own him, as if he belongs to you and is fated to you. But he never wanted to. In fact, he told me that you are too much like his brother (who is very fussy, needy, and selfish) and this was confirmed by his mom and sister who dreaded the day they potentially ever became an item.

We are now expecting our first child. You have removed me from your life completely. I am not hurt by this.

You need to do what you need to do. You can’t stand seeing my face or seeing our life? No problem. Don’t look.

Does our first child, a new life coming into the world, send you into a spiral of self-loathing and pain?

Does seeing my husband happy, healthy, thriving, and succeeding make you slip into despair?

Does hearing from our mutual friends how he’s happy, how our relationship is rock solid, and how much they like me, just kill you?

I’m afraid it’s not my problem.

I also went through loss, where I thought we were meant to be. We were actually in a relationship, but it killed me for about 8 or 9 years before I was finally able to move on. I let it be a weight, and I let it almost be the complete end of me.

Don’t let him be the end of you. Don’t let his autonomy mean a loss for you. Don’t let happy things in his life hurt you. Let go of any claim you have to him. Let go of any idea or notion of a life that you thought was yours. (I will tell you right now, he is very different in private and you would have gone nuts over his quirks that I find endearing.)

I am not going to let you be a shadow in our life anymore. I want to look forward with our son. I want my husband to no longer carry guilt over his choices and actions he made over you. I don’t want to be paralyzed with fear over running into you at a mutual friend’s event.

I hope you do marry the right person. I hope you have the life you want to have. But he and I have been married for over 2 years. We have a baby on the way. It’s time to let go of him. It’s time to focus on your life, and leave the bitterness and resentment behind.

I have a lot of emotions and pain to process from what happened several years ago. I’m going to sort them out. But I’m not holding anything over your head and I won’t let you be a weight in my life anymore.

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