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19 Weeks; Almost There

Yesterday, I hit 19 weeks of pregnancy. It’s kind of surreal how slow and yet how fast this is going.

A few weeks ago, when I was 16 weeks and 3 days, I felt something like a bubble growing inside of my lower abdomen. Then it suddenly popped, but had a noticeable thud to it.

It was pretty insane! I couldn’t believe it, and that’s when I knew, I felt just him kick.

After speaking with my OBGYN last Wednesday, she concurred that yes, he was definitely kicking. Since I turned 18 weeks and on, he’s kicking every day. I feel him enough where even Hubby can feel him! He’s felt him kick twice, and it’s always so amazing. Any time we are on the couch, he wants to know if he’s kicking so he can feel!

I definitely am attached to this little guy, and I can’t wait to meet him. On the 28th, we have our anatomy scan to make sure everything is okay and looks normal. My MIL will hopefully be joining us, and hopefully we can have more photos to share with our family!

Even now, I can feel him thump away in there, do little flips and wooshes. When my OBGYN tried to find his heart rate, I could feel him move away from the doppler and start kicking/punching. It made me so happy to feel him.

I still don’t “look” pregnant. I barely have a bump, and while I’m wearing maternity pants it isn’t exactly bulging. I’m hoping I won’t get too big, just for comfort sake. But I’d like to look pregnant and not just like I’m getting fat….

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Pregnancy, Ramblings

12 Weeks and 5 Days

I feel lucky to be pregnant. We struggled for a year, and while it isn’t a big struggle compared to how many infertility stories I have read, it was hard for us.

I am so excited to meet our child. I pray and hope every day that it keeps growing, that it’s strong and healthy.

But I hate being pregnant. I feel so sick all the time, my breasts hurt (SO MUCH) and I feel like I’m in constant discomfort. It’s utterly maddening, and I wish it was over.

I want our baby in my arms, right now. I’m ready to go through labor and everything, right now, so long as pregnancy is over. Pregnancy is 9 months, labor is (at best) 48 hours. I am willing to endure days of pain, if I can be done with this much nausea, fatigue, heartburn, constipation, hemorrhoids, nipple soreness, and everything else that this pregnancy is bringing me.

Constant urge to pee, not sleeping through the night, forgetting things half way, falling asleep constantly, crying at the drop of a hat, sciatica (ALREADY), and just…. yeah, not great.

I already wound up in the ER due to severe morning sickness/dehydration. I’ve had to physically remove poop from my butt. It’s awful.

But I love our child, infinitely. I hope every day that it’s okay, that it’s thriving, that it will be okay and that I’m taking care of it.

I know my husband will be the most amazing father. I know he will love and look after us.

But I want this pregnancy to be OVER.

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Baby Talk, Pregnancy, Ramblings

8 weeks and 5 days

Right now, I’m at 8 weeks and 5 days. At least, I think I am at 8 weeks and 5 days. We’ve only seen it once, and it was at 6 weeks 4 days and it had a really strong heartbeat, at 133 bpm.

Is it growing? Is it alive? I have no clue.

My symptoms are still strong. I get nauseated occasionally, my boobs hurt SO MUCH, I’m constantly tired, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I just look at a picture of my childhood dog and I start bawling.

TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF LOSS BELOW

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About 5 Weeks Along, the Nerves are Real

I am constantly looking up things about what is the sign that the pregnancy is going well, signs of miscarriage, signs that you are not progressing as you should.

Right now I’m about 5 weeks along (more or less), and I’ve started to get my blood drawn to make sure my hCG levels are rising as they should.

At home, I do pregnancy tests to see the line progression of the positive. So far, it is progressing. But I won’t be happy until I see a really dark line OR I see the nugget on the ultrasound.

So far I have all of the good signs. The white, watery discharge, bloating, cramping, no spotting, higher temperature, fatigue, hunger…. but no real “well-known” symptoms like nausea or vomiting.

I won’t really relax until about September, where I know we are reaching the 20th week and we would be safe.

It’s still nuts to think that it will mean the baby is just MONTHS away…. *is terrified*

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Miracle of Miracles

Today, a friend of mine posted her pregnancy announcement. In tears and sadness, I took a test to confirm that I am NOT pregnant (as I am used to that).

But then… the test has a line. It definitely developed, and then I just freaked out.

DH bought First Response tests, and I showed my SIL the picture of the faint line. She told me to go take an FR test NOW.

And there it is.

Our “YES +”

Of course, it can be a chemical pregnancy, which means it will disappear and then I’ll have my period. It could be just a blip, it could miscarry…. for now, it’s still “it”.

But, we are so excited. This is our FIRST positive, and hopefully this will carry on until the due date!

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Baby Talk, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Another Step to Answers

The visit to the OBGYN wasn’t as I hoped. She didn’t want to run any tests or give me any other medications, but she immediately referred me to an RE.

She warned me that RE’s are typically not covered under our insurance. She says very few plans in the company offer any infertility coverage…

We have 50% coverage! Of all infertility treatments! I was so excited. I have to get some bloodwork done, but I am supposed to call the first full day of my period and let them know so we can schedule an HSG test.

I admitted to DH that the reason I am so scared is that I can’t imagine myself being a mother. I can’t imagine being pregnant, I can’t imagine any of it.

But as I was talking and looking at my darling husband, I realized I never was able to imagine being married. I really never thought I would be married. I never thought I wold even be in love.

But here I am. Married to my soulmate, living on our own, not relying on parents’ money, full-time jobs, saving money… it’s incredible.

 

So I might not be able to imagine being pregnant or being a mother… but that shouldn’t stop me.

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Baby Talk, Ramblings, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

A Year Has Passed

It’s been one year since we started trying for a baby.

This is not an anniversary I’ve been looking forward to. I thought I would handle it well and just accept how life has turned out.

But I’m very sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m mourning. I feel like something is very wrong with me, and in a few days I will find out if I’m even capable of having a child.

The fact that doctors make you wait a year until they even actually check… it’s just awful.

I hate how many people are telling me to relax. That it will be okay. To try these exercises, start eating these foods, etc. etc.

I wish someone can just tell me, “that fucking sucks” and just hug me. I wish they didn’t try to offer any consolation, I just want to be sad and feel like it’s okay to be sad about it.

Instead, any time I show a moment of sadness, my husband swoops in and asks me a million questions. Constantly checking on me and won’t let me just feel what I want to feel.

I don’t want pity. I just want to punch something. I catch myself thinking, “well, do we want to travel there in the fall? What if I’m pregnant?”

It’s such a stupid line of thought. “What if” “what if” “what if.” What if I only have one leg. What if I lost an eye. What if we won the lottery by then?

I have to stop thinking like that. I’m not going to bank on anything happening. I just want to focus on today and when tomorrow comes, only focus on that. I don’t want to think about the future.

No more what ifs.

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