Baby Talk, Family Drama, Pregnancy, Ramblings

No Pressure… Until there is Pressure

So DH has a twin brother, as I mentioned before. His brother is also married. I’ll refer to them as BIL and SIL.

BIL and SIL hated me when they first met. Absolutely hated me. Why? Because I was with DH. I didn’t mistreat him, I was supportive, I was friendly with them. But they hated me because I came at the wrong time. They were just engaged and they didn’t want us to steal their thunder.

Of course, they didn’t put it that way. They said how much they hate being the center of attention, and then in the same breath told DH to not propose to me in the same year they are getting married and to wait until the next year. They wanted the entire year to themselves.

SIL told me that she hates my personality and finds me obnoxious and overbearing. I was forced to changed my entire wedding plans (we wanted to get married with a justice of the peace in the woods without anyone around) because BIL thought he should be there.

BIL also insisted in planning DH’s bachelor party and he totally fucked up. He didn’t plan a single thing and it turned out to be a nightmare. Who planned BIL’s bachelor party? Oh, me. DH executed it, but I picked the restaurant, the activities, etc.

So fastforward to now. We get along, no more fighting, I am polite to them but they have made no strides to make up for it. BIL apologized for being a racist dickhead to me, but his wife is still blameless and never apologized for being a bitch.

Now DH and I are having our first child, and BIL is shocked that he and SIL won’t be allowed to come to the hospital and see him. In fact, no one is. BIL thinks that we need help and will fail without help. He also thinks that SIL knows EVERYTHING about babies and will be the best person to help us.

Listen, I don’t know this woman. All I know is that she’s not as nice as she thinks she is, not friendly, and very selfish. I know she is incapable of apologizing, and hates pretty much everything BIL does for fun and amusement. I know she has isolated BIL from his friends, and is basically trying to morph him into her dad.


The part that infuriates me is how much DH’s family is insistent that I let them. Like, I need to completely disregard how I feel about this and make sure BIL and SIL feel included. No, I don’t. I don’t because BIL and SIL are not people I feel comfortable around and why do I need to be the one to ignore that? Why can’t they be the ones to make it up to me? Why do I need to be the one to just swallow my feelings and hand my fucking child to people I don’t even like and trust.

That’s not happening. I am going through a rough pregnancy and I am the one that needs to push the watermelon out of my vagina. I don’t owe them ANYTHING and everyone needs to back the FUCK OFF if they want me to stay calm.

I hate shit like this and I hate how much his family meddles. I hate how little they care for how I feel about things and are only focused on preserving BIL’s feelings. They all are annoyed with him and they all hate SIL, but here I am stuck with trying to perpetuate the lie that I need BIL and SIL’s help and I feel comfortable with it.


Mental Health, Ramblings

To the Woman in Love with My Husband

You weren’t thrilled when we met.

I know you were surprised and you tried to take it in stride. But around this time, your cat died and your then-boyfriend was not very sensitive about it. I saw, on social media, that you were having a hard time so I told my then-boyfriend (now husband) to contact you.

He did, and you texted him constantly. You began to lean on him, more than either of us anticipated. But he has a big heart and just knew you were in pain. At one point, you and your boyfriend “separated” and he moved out. You texted my then-boyfriend whether he ever thought about suicide.

Now leading up to that event on that day, my husband’s brother was being a huge, insufferable asshole. He was being racist to me, yelling at my husband and saying how I am a mistake to be in his life. He made my husband cry more times than I care to remember, and I spent so much time just holding him as I promised him that his brother still loves him.

Well once you texted my husband that you were thinking about killing yourself, he ran out the door. I wanted one evening with him where his asshole brother isn’t texting or calling and yelling at him. I just made dinner and he grabbed his jacket and told me what happened to you and ran out.

You also don’t know that before I met any of you, I went through three hospitalizations, intensive therapy, and a slew of medications. I’ve been there and beyond that, I tried to take my life. I failed, thankfully, but it took 6 strong psychiatric medications to level me out and 6 years of intense therapy where I had to re-build my entire identity. I had to learn how to make myself whole.

When he came back at midnight, I knew I had to tell him what I thought. He laid this bombshell on me a few days before that you professed your undying love for him some years ago, and he turned you down. You stopped talking for a long time, and it was really only when your cat died when you started to bond again.

I knew he held you as you cried. I knew he made sure you were safe and comfortable. I knew he would listen to you as you poured your heart out. All things you should do to your partner, who you only recently decided was not the person for you.

He listened as I spoke, and he began to shake and cry because he realized that I might break up with him. I wasn’t planning on it, but if he did defend you and say that you didn’t overstep your bounds then I would have walked away. His asshole brother, poverty, my family hating my choices, and now he is going to defend his decision to run to the arms of a girl who has a history of pleading and begging for him to love her?

I told him that next time you do that, that he should tell you he is going to call 9-1-1 if he thinks you’re being serious. That is what you should do. Your friends and family aren’t trained professionals and you can’t burden them with that sort of talk if you truly mean it. If you just want to say it to manipulate him, then you succeeded.

I don’t have a lot of love for you simply because you made it super clear that I am not welcome. I invited you over to make friends, and I made dinner from scratch. You sat there and picked at the food and only spoke to him the entire time. I was at the table, but you completely ignored me.

When my husband tried to distance himself from you, just so you rely on your therapist and not him, you lashed out. Then when we got married in a park and forced to change everything to make his mom and brother happy, you were offended that you weren’t invited. I didn’t invite any of my friends and only had immediate family, but you felt entitled to be there. Enough where you made several social media posts on how you only keep true friends.

You continued to cut me out of social media, which upset me at first because I didn’t really realize any of the above until I saw those posts. You rallied mutual friends around you, and found only one person actually agreed with you. You tried to poison people against me, and thankfully most of them didn’t listen.

When his brother got married, you were given a special role in the wedding because you just went through a breakup. You were given a card and warm hugs from the bride and groom. I was given nothing. Nothing at all. I was excluded from most of the photos because I am “not family”.

I also spent the week leading up to the wedding spending every last penny in my account to pay for their gift, my cheap dress, and food to feed out of town guests. I also housed their father in my home for a week, as I ferried people around and tried to keep a smile on my face. I slept on an air mattress in a cramped spare room as his father had me wash his dirty underwear and leave me to do dishes and make all of the meals.

I don’t look back on any of this with a smile. It still hurts, remembering how cruelly I was treated and how you tried your very best to color me in a bad light. I always come back to: what did I do?

I married the man you thought belong to you. You think that because you have known each other since middle school and how you always loved him should mean that you guys are meant to be. You professed feelings for him, went to his college graduation, and watched as he got his heart broken by another girl.

So you assume you have prior claim.

But the reality is, you told him how he felt and his answer was always the same. He never shared those feelings. You are trying to own him, as if he belongs to you and is fated to you. But he never wanted to. In fact, he told me that you are too much like his brother (who is very fussy, needy, and selfish) and this was confirmed by his mom and sister who dreaded the day they potentially ever became an item.

We are now expecting our first child. You have removed me from your life completely. I am not hurt by this.

You need to do what you need to do. You can’t stand seeing my face or seeing our life? No problem. Don’t look.

Does our first child, a new life coming into the world, send you into a spiral of self-loathing and pain?

Does seeing my husband happy, healthy, thriving, and succeeding make you slip into despair?

Does hearing from our mutual friends how he’s happy, how our relationship is rock solid, and how much they like me, just kill you?

I’m afraid it’s not my problem.

I also went through loss, where I thought we were meant to be. We were actually in a relationship, but it killed me for about 8 or 9 years before I was finally able to move on. I let it be a weight, and I let it almost be the complete end of me.

Don’t let him be the end of you. Don’t let his autonomy mean a loss for you. Don’t let happy things in his life hurt you. Let go of any claim you have to him. Let go of any idea or notion of a life that you thought was yours. (I will tell you right now, he is very different in private and you would have gone nuts over his quirks that I find endearing.)

I am not going to let you be a shadow in our life anymore. I want to look forward with our son. I want my husband to no longer carry guilt over his choices and actions he made over you. I don’t want to be paralyzed with fear over running into you at a mutual friend’s event.

I hope you do marry the right person. I hope you have the life you want to have. But he and I have been married for over 2 years. We have a baby on the way. It’s time to let go of him. It’s time to focus on your life, and leave the bitterness and resentment behind.

I have a lot of emotions and pain to process from what happened several years ago. I’m going to sort them out. But I’m not holding anything over your head and I won’t let you be a weight in my life anymore.


19 Weeks; Almost There

Yesterday, I hit 19 weeks of pregnancy. It’s kind of surreal how slow and yet how fast this is going.

A few weeks ago, when I was 16 weeks and 3 days, I felt something like a bubble growing inside of my lower abdomen. Then it suddenly popped, but had a noticeable thud to it.

It was pretty insane! I couldn’t believe it, and that’s when I knew, I felt just him kick.

After speaking with my OBGYN last Wednesday, she concurred that yes, he was definitely kicking. Since I turned 18 weeks and on, he’s kicking every day. I feel him enough where even Hubby can feel him! He’s felt him kick twice, and it’s always so amazing. Any time we are on the couch, he wants to know if he’s kicking so he can feel!

I definitely am attached to this little guy, and I can’t wait to meet him. On the 28th, we have our anatomy scan to make sure everything is okay and looks normal. My MIL will hopefully be joining us, and hopefully we can have more photos to share with our family!

Even now, I can feel him thump away in there, do little flips and wooshes. When my OBGYN tried to find his heart rate, I could feel him move away from the doppler and start kicking/punching. It made me so happy to feel him.

I still don’t “look” pregnant. I barely have a bump, and while I’m wearing maternity pants it isn’t exactly bulging. I’m hoping I won’t get too big, just for comfort sake. But I’d like to look pregnant and not just like I’m getting fat….

Pregnancy, Ramblings

12 Weeks and 5 Days

I feel lucky to be pregnant. We struggled for a year, and while it isn’t a big struggle compared to how many infertility stories I have read, it was hard for us.

I am so excited to meet our child. I pray and hope every day that it keeps growing, that it’s strong and healthy.

But I hate being pregnant. I feel so sick all the time, my breasts hurt (SO MUCH) and I feel like I’m in constant discomfort. It’s utterly maddening, and I wish it was over.

I want our baby in my arms, right now. I’m ready to go through labor and everything, right now, so long as pregnancy is over. Pregnancy is 9 months, labor is (at best) 48 hours. I am willing to endure days of pain, if I can be done with this much nausea, fatigue, heartburn, constipation, hemorrhoids, nipple soreness, and everything else that this pregnancy is bringing me.

Constant urge to pee, not sleeping through the night, forgetting things half way, falling asleep constantly, crying at the drop of a hat, sciatica (ALREADY), and just…. yeah, not great.

I already wound up in the ER due to severe morning sickness/dehydration. I’ve had to physically remove poop from my butt. It’s awful.

But I love our child, infinitely. I hope every day that it’s okay, that it’s thriving, that it will be okay and that I’m taking care of it.

I know my husband will be the most amazing father. I know he will love and look after us.

But I want this pregnancy to be OVER.

Baby Talk, Pregnancy, Ramblings

8 weeks and 5 days

Right now, I’m at 8 weeks and 5 days. At least, I think I am at 8 weeks and 5 days. We’ve only seen it once, and it was at 6 weeks 4 days and it had a really strong heartbeat, at 133 bpm.

Is it growing? Is it alive? I have no clue.

My symptoms are still strong. I get nauseated occasionally, my boobs hurt SO MUCH, I’m constantly tired, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I just look at a picture of my childhood dog and I start bawling.


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About 5 Weeks Along, the Nerves are Real

I am constantly looking up things about what is the sign that the pregnancy is going well, signs of miscarriage, signs that you are not progressing as you should.

Right now I’m about 5 weeks along (more or less), and I’ve started to get my blood drawn to make sure my hCG levels are rising as they should.

At home, I do pregnancy tests to see the line progression of the positive. So far, it is progressing. But I won’t be happy until I see a really dark line OR I see the nugget on the ultrasound.

So far I have all of the good signs. The white, watery discharge, bloating, cramping, no spotting, higher temperature, fatigue, hunger…. but no real “well-known” symptoms like nausea or vomiting.

I won’t really relax until about September, where I know we are reaching the 20th week and we would be safe.

It’s still nuts to think that it will mean the baby is just MONTHS away…. *is terrified*


Miracle of Miracles

Today, a friend of mine posted her pregnancy announcement. In tears and sadness, I took a test to confirm that I am NOT pregnant (as I am used to that).

But then… the test has a line. It definitely developed, and then I just freaked out.

DH bought First Response tests, and I showed my SIL the picture of the faint line. She told me to go take an FR test NOW.

And there it is.

Our “YES +”

Of course, it can be a chemical pregnancy, which means it will disappear and then I’ll have my period. It could be just a blip, it could miscarry…. for now, it’s still “it”.

But, we are so excited. This is our FIRST positive, and hopefully this will carry on until the due date!