Baby Talk, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Another Step to Answers

The visit to the OBGYN wasn’t as I hoped. She didn’t want to run any tests or give me any other medications, but she immediately referred me to an RE.

She warned me that RE’s are typically not covered under our insurance. She says very few plans in the company offer any infertility coverage…

We have 50% coverage! Of all infertility treatments! I was so excited. I have to get some bloodwork done, but I am supposed to call the first full day of my period and let them know so we can schedule an HSG test.

I admitted to DH that the reason I am so scared is that I can’t imagine myself being a mother. I can’t imagine being pregnant, I can’t imagine any of it.

But as I was talking and looking at my darling husband, I realized I never was able to imagine being married. I really never thought I would be married. I never thought I wold even be in love.

But here I am. Married to my soulmate, living on our own, not relying on parents’ money, full-time jobs, saving money… it’s incredible.

 

So I might not be able to imagine being pregnant or being a mother… but that shouldn’t stop me.

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Baby Talk, Ramblings, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

A Year Has Passed

It’s been one year since we started trying for a baby.

This is not an anniversary I’ve been looking forward to. I thought I would handle it well and just accept how life has turned out.

But I’m very sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m mourning. I feel like something is very wrong with me, and in a few days I will find out if I’m even capable of having a child.

The fact that doctors make you wait a year until they even actually check… it’s just awful.

I hate how many people are telling me to relax. That it will be okay. To try these exercises, start eating these foods, etc. etc.

I wish someone can just tell me, “that fucking sucks” and just hug me. I wish they didn’t try to offer any consolation, I just want to be sad and feel like it’s okay to be sad about it.

Instead, any time I show a moment of sadness, my husband swoops in and asks me a million questions. Constantly checking on me and won’t let me just feel what I want to feel.

I don’t want pity. I just want to punch something. I catch myself thinking, “well, do we want to travel there in the fall? What if I’m pregnant?”

It’s such a stupid line of thought. “What if” “what if” “what if.” What if I only have one leg. What if I lost an eye. What if we won the lottery by then?

I have to stop thinking like that. I’m not going to bank on anything happening. I just want to focus on today and when tomorrow comes, only focus on that. I don’t want to think about the future.

No more what ifs.

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Family Drama, Ramblings

Saying Good-bye to a Dream

This week, my brother is getting married. He’s been with his future wife since 2014, and despite all the time together, I can safely speak for all of us to say that we don’t like her.

She’s not a very nice person, she’s very selfish, and she has zero interest in becoming a part of our family. She makes us all uncomfortable, and despite my parents’ protests, he is marrying her.

He proposed with my grandmother’s engagement ring, the same one my mother had. She didn’t like it, so he bought her a different one. She will not return the ring. It is now lost to her and her greed.

She has expressed no thanks and gratitude for the amount of time and work my sister and I are spending on their wedding.

When she visits my parents’ home, she leaves a mess wherever she goes. My sister, mother, and I are often cleaning up after her because my brother can’t be bothered and doesn’t see it as a problem.

She doesn’t know how to spell my name. Despite the corrections and many cards, emails, etc. that were sent between us. She still refers me to my maiden name (now legally changed) and misspells my first name.

She offers no help at family functions. She sits there and is on her computer or phone when we are all cooking and setting the table.

While my grandfather was dying in the hospital, she sat in the waiting room and began planning their wedding. This is because my brother decided to announce it, at my grandfather’s passing, that they are going to get married.

 

We’re all in mourning, in a way. Out of all of us, my father is the one most in mourning.

He had this dream, this vision, of what life would be like when he was gone. My brother would be the head of the next generation, with his children carrying on the family name and traditions.

He imagined my brother looking after all of us, just like my father did and his father did before him. He worked hard to lay a strong foundation, where my brother can easily step into the role.

But, like most things in life, life has its own ideas. My brother never took to that idea, despite him being bossy and controlling (he never had the compassion and patience of a leader), and now his choice of wife has cemented that he will never fulfill that role.

He always had a temper, often violent, growing up. He was completely cruel and devoid of any gentleness. I used to think it was normal for little boys to try to beat up their younger sisters. I used to think men were supposed to have explosive tempers and lash out at every small thing. My father wasn’t around much, due to work, so my brother was the true learning curve of men.

I am grateful to say my husband is nothing like him at all. Where my brother is angry, my husband is loving. Where my brother is full of rage, my husband is full of kindness.

When my sister and I married, we knew that our spouses should not just fit us, but be part of the family. We wanted them to have the same attitude, enthusiasm, and focus on our parents and relatives just as they would give to their parents.

We wanted to make sure it wasn’t just our husband, but another son. My parents say again and again how lucky they are, since their sons-in-law are so kind, so patient, and such good men. They say they focus on that, and not on my brother’s choices and his wife.

So why are we all surprised he married someone as aloof and selfish as him? Why are we all sitting here, in disbelief that this is where he wound up?

I guess in a way, we all had hope. My mother and father admitted that they hoped he would find someone like me in temperament. Someone gentle, good natured, patient, and very sweet (I was touched they thought this of me!). Of course, they also knew his anger and his impatience would repel any woman like that.

They thought he would find a partner who will soften him and make him more attentive, more loving to his family. Well, he is attentive and loving but only to her.

 

My mother told my brother that he is now his wife’s husband, and not her son. He got very upset, but it’s completely true. While men (and women!) should be devoted and present for their partners, their partners should remind them to be better children and siblings.

They should help you be a better person.

So while we spend a small fortune to attend a wedding that none of us want to happen or attend, we are also saying good-bye to this dream.

My sister and I are closer than ever, mainly because our husbands are very similar in temperament and extremely supportive of any family endeavor. My brother always marched to the beat of his drum, and never really liked being tied down.

We all saw this coming. Now, we finally see it happen. We are happy that he is happy, but we also know we won’t have the family we wanted.

In a way there is peace. But it hurts me to know that my parents will spend the rest of their lives, wondering, what could have been.

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Baby Talk, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

After One Month of Metformin

I have no idea how to tell if Metformin is “working” except that we become pregnant.

So basically, to keep track, these are the changes I have noticed so far. I’ve been on it for almost 5 weeks.

  • Less body hair. Facial hair (those nasty chin hairs) and hair around the abdomen is getting thinner and lessening.
  • Egg White Cervical Mucus (EWCM) showed up AGAIN, the third time in a year.
  • Nipples aren’t as stiff, just very sore and sensitive.
  • The EWCM and sore nipples showed up at day 30 of a (typically) 75 day cycle. If this is indicative that I ovulated, then my period should come by the 44th day!
  • Less sugar cravings. That being said, we stopped eating added sugar and now neither of us crave anything sweet.
  • Measurement around waist went down 3 inches! Measurement around bust went down 2 inches.

Main concern I have is that my doctor won’t increase my dosage beyond 500 mg. The main reason is that my AC1 test says I have normal glucose levels. If he increases my dosage, he worries that I will become hypoglycemic and pass out.

But I keep reading about women who were put on 1500 mg or 2000 mg before they were able to conceive. I am guessing they were also pre-diabetic (common with PCOS), and my doctor said my blood work looked amazing for someone struggling with PCOS.

He seemed confident that I will be able to conceive on this low dose of metformin, and if we don’t by August, he says to come back and we can discuss other steps.

I personally want to avoid taking Clomid, because my husband is a twin (identical!) and I’d rather not deal with the chance of multiples….

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Baby Talk, Family Drama, Ramblings, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Always Improving Yourself…

Sometimes I think I’m a glutton for punishment.

We are still actively trying. Blood tests and a consult from our GP told us that I definitely have PCOS and I need the extra help. So I’m on 500 mg of metformin. Luckily, Husband’s sperm test showed that he has super swimmers (the doctor was so impressed and said he hasn’t seen numbers that good in years) so we just need to figure out what’s going on with me.

But on top of that, I am currently using invisible aligners to straighten my teeth. Years ago, I had braces but stopped wearing my retainer. One of my BIGGEST regrets. So now I spent nearly $2,000 to get my teeth straightened in a 5 month process.

On top of THAT, I found out my hearing has deteriorated further. I was born with hereditary hearing loss (nerve damage) and now it’s slowly progressing. I have moderate hearing loss, and my audiologist says she can detect the speech pattern of someone who has hearing loss severe enough to impact their speech.

ON TOP OF THAT, we’re still eating our low-sugar, low-carb, high-fat diet and now husband has lost so much more fat/weight than me and it’s kind of bumming me out.

A few days ago, the battery in our Prius kept dying. He insisted it was something else and he didn’t leave any lights on. I got it jumped a second time and the first thing I noticed was the interior light was stuck in the on position. I turned it off, drove it to the dealership and found out we had to replace the auxiliary battery (not the hybrid one) for $400.

Our 3 year anniversary was coming up, and I wanted us to spend the money on buying special, custom, palladium wedding bands. Now, we spent it on buying a new car battery.

It was a stressful day, and he was down on himself more than usual. So we had a real deep talk about how he needs to have self-confidence, accept that mistakes like this happen (and will continue to happen over our lives), and most of all, that he can’t take one mistake like this as a moral failing.

And here we are, still trying to get pregnant. *sigh*

I think I really do like my life to be as stressful as possible.

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Baby Talk, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Life Brings Changes

I know I talked a lot about adoption, but it doesn’t mean DH and I haven’t given up on conceiving.

When we started to talk about taking Clomid or Metformin, I realized that if I was willing to take drugs/hormones then I should first be willing to change my diet.

So, about three weeks ago, we switched to a Low-GI diet. (Or at least, I have, DH still eats out with his friends occasionally but he mainly eats what I eat.)

Essentially we eat foods with a low glycemic-index rating. Foods like:

  • White, bleached, All-Purpose flour
  • White potatoes
  • White rice
  • Most cereals
  • Etc.

All have a GI of over 70, which is considered high. This means they have naturally (or added) occurring sugar that can result in your blood sugar levels being elevated. A Low-GI diet is very common for those with diabetes.

We switched to foods like:

  • Whole grain/stone ground wheat
  • Sweet potato
  • Brown rice (this in moderation as well)
  • Cereal like special K (or anything with a low sugar content)

We also added a lot of steamed vegetables and fresh meat. No more processed/preserved meat, so anything like sausage, bacon, or similar things are now out.

It’s been just 3 weeks since we made the change, and I’m glad to say it’s a permanent one. For years I’ve dealt with belching, bloating, heartburn, gut stasis (my stomach stops digesting), and I had to take things like Prilosec and heartburn medication.

Now that I’ve switched to a Low GI diet, I can eat without being uncomfortable and my energy stays level all day.

Best part is, my reproductive system, in such a SHORT TIME, has already improved. My periods were always so irregular, but after I started the diet, about a week after, I started to notice hormonal signs. Signs like:

  • Oily skin (not typical for me)
  • Sore breasts
  • Egg white cervical mucus (something I’ve only ever had ONCE before)

Just a few days ago, I had all the signs that I was ovulating. So, we went for it. Just this morning, I noticed something I never, ever had before. I woke up with so much discharge. It was very watery, clear, barely smelled like anything. I’ve had a bit here and there, but nothing like this. It felt like I peed the bed!

I believe we timed it perfectly, but I thought that before and was dead wrong. But now I have my most typical sign (itchy/sore nipples) and in about two weeks, we will see if my period comes.

If it doesn’t, then it’s about the surest sign yet that I might have conceived!

So either way, if I am not pregnant or if I am, this Low GI diet has changed my life. I feel so much better, my body hurts less, I can eat normally, and I just feel so… relieved. Best part is that the weight naturally falls off!

I have PCOS, and the first serious step I took was to change my diet. I am hoping that this will make the difference, either on the journey to motherhood or for my future health and happiness.

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Family Drama, Ramblings

Once a Bride, but Always a Wife

At my age “wedding season” seems to be a misnomer. It’s not wedding season, it’s just the Era of Weddings.

People I knew in elementary school are now getting married. Having children, on purpose! You know that kid who cried all the time in school or the one who kept calling the teacher “mom”? Well they’re getting married now.

As someone who got married in a park, I long lost my taste for weddings. Being the youngest of 9 grandchildren on one side, I’ve been to quite a few weddings. At first it was exciting, then soon I began to dread them.

I was always wrangled into something, like baking 300 cookies (never got a thank you) or hosting a relative for a week. I would decorate, then clean up. I would drive relatives around, and basically just become a thankless slave.

For what? For one day? For one day where you can be the center of attention, but claim to those around you how much you hate it, just to view that day as the best day of your life? Like it’s downhill from there?

So now that my best friend is getting married, she is bitterly regretting having a big wedding. She told me that she should have just done what my husband and I did, because this is a nightmare. I tried to warn her, but now that we’ve spent over $2,000 just to be at her wedding (I am the maid of honor), I am determined to see this through.

My advice to her from day one of wedding planning: focus on being a wife, not a bride. Be a partner, not a bride/groom. Focus on the day after, not the day of.

DH (Dear Husband) has a brother, an identical twin brother, so they grew up very close. His brother ended up marrying someone very different. In fact she’s a bit cold, standoffish, and snobbish and overall, we don’t really like her. Don’t worry, the feeling is mutual. She hates us (all of us, the entire family).

Their wedding day was…. terrible. It was over 104 degrees, in the sun, and they didn’t supply water or food until 5 PM. We sat through 45 minutes of her making fun of how hopeless he is, and him talking about what an angel she is. DH almost passed out because the men had to wear a 3 piece tuxedo, including their nephew who was 4 and had an epic breakdown where he wound up gouging the face of my father-in-law.

My MIL looked sad, as she realized she was far too late to tell her son that she doesn’t think this is the right person.

Side Note: if you want advice on how to find the right partner or what makes a marriage last, talk to someone who is divorced. Not someone who is happily married for 50+ years, because a lot of marriages last out of sheer stubbornness. Talk to someone who had to end it, because no matter what it’s not an easy decision.

To this day, they recall their wedding with such fondness. Their place is covered with photos of them on their wedding day. Everywhere. To them, it could have been better (she complained about how the venue was not her dream choice but her dad wouldn’t pay for more) but it was everything they wanted.

To the rest of the family? At least our side? It was one of the worst days we experienced together.

Moral of the story? Do you want to be a wife or a bride who only focuses on one day that is rapidly fading behind you? Do you want to be the bride who the rest of the family just resents?

Because no matter how “special” that day is for you, I will bet $1,000 that at least 3 of your close relatives are having a terrible time. Everyone is excited for you, but why do you need such a big fanfare? Yes getting married a big deal (legally especially!), but why do you need to spend $50,000 AND make everyone else miserable?

Just skip it. Pocket the money you would have spent on a wonderful honeymoon and towards your future. Be the person who looked forward, instead of the person who puts 20 giant photos of you and your husband kissing while he secretly tells his brother how lonely and guilty he feels about his life.

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