Pregnancy, Ramblings

12 Weeks and 5 Days

I feel lucky to be pregnant. We struggled for a year, and while it isn’t a big struggle compared to how many infertility stories I have read, it was hard for us.

I am so excited to meet our child. I pray and hope every day that it keeps growing, that it’s strong and healthy.

But I hate being pregnant. I feel so sick all the time, my breasts hurt (SO MUCH) and I feel like I’m in constant discomfort. It’s utterly maddening, and I wish it was over.

I want our baby in my arms, right now. I’m ready to go through labor and everything, right now, so long as pregnancy is over. Pregnancy is 9 months, labor is (at best) 48 hours. I am willing to endure days of pain, if I can be done with this much nausea, fatigue, heartburn, constipation, hemorrhoids, nipple soreness, and everything else that this pregnancy is bringing me.

Constant urge to pee, not sleeping through the night, forgetting things half way, falling asleep constantly, crying at the drop of a hat, sciatica (ALREADY), and just…. yeah, not great.

I already wound up in the ER due to severe morning sickness/dehydration. I’ve had to physically remove poop from my butt. It’s awful.

But I love our child, infinitely. I hope every day that it’s okay, that it’s thriving, that it will be okay and that I’m taking care of it.

I know my husband will be the most amazing father. I know he will love and look after us.

But I want this pregnancy to be OVER.

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Baby Talk, Pregnancy, Ramblings

8 weeks and 5 days

Right now, I’m at 8 weeks and 5 days. At least, I think I am at 8 weeks and 5 days. We’ve only seen it once, and it was at 6 weeks 4 days and it had a really strong heartbeat, at 133 bpm.

Is it growing? Is it alive? I have no clue.

My symptoms are still strong. I get nauseated occasionally, my boobs hurt SO MUCH, I’m constantly tired, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I just look at a picture of my childhood dog and I start bawling.

TRIGGER WARNING: TALK OF LOSS BELOW

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Uncategorized

About 5 Weeks Along, the Nerves are Real

I am constantly looking up things about what is the sign that the pregnancy is going well, signs of miscarriage, signs that you are not progressing as you should.

Right now I’m about 5 weeks along (more or less), and I’ve started to get my blood drawn to make sure my hCG levels are rising as they should.

At home, I do pregnancy tests to see the line progression of the positive. So far, it is progressing. But I won’t be happy until I see a really dark line OR I see the nugget on the ultrasound.

So far I have all of the good signs. The white, watery discharge, bloating, cramping, no spotting, higher temperature, fatigue, hunger…. but no real “well-known” symptoms like nausea or vomiting.

I won’t really relax until about September, where I know we are reaching the 20th week and we would be safe.

It’s still nuts to think that it will mean the baby is just MONTHS away…. *is terrified*

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Miracle of Miracles

Today, a friend of mine posted her pregnancy announcement. In tears and sadness, I took a test to confirm that I am NOT pregnant (as I am used to that).

But then… the test has a line. It definitely developed, and then I just freaked out.

DH bought First Response tests, and I showed my SIL the picture of the faint line. She told me to go take an FR test NOW.

And there it is.

Our “YES +”

Of course, it can be a chemical pregnancy, which means it will disappear and then I’ll have my period. It could be just a blip, it could miscarry…. for now, it’s still “it”.

But, we are so excited. This is our FIRST positive, and hopefully this will carry on until the due date!

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Baby Talk, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Another Step to Answers

The visit to the OBGYN wasn’t as I hoped. She didn’t want to run any tests or give me any other medications, but she immediately referred me to an RE.

She warned me that RE’s are typically not covered under our insurance. She says very few plans in the company offer any infertility coverage…

We have 50% coverage! Of all infertility treatments! I was so excited. I have to get some bloodwork done, but I am supposed to call the first full day of my period and let them know so we can schedule an HSG test.

I admitted to DH that the reason I am so scared is that I can’t imagine myself being a mother. I can’t imagine being pregnant, I can’t imagine any of it.

But as I was talking and looking at my darling husband, I realized I never was able to imagine being married. I really never thought I would be married. I never thought I wold even be in love.

But here I am. Married to my soulmate, living on our own, not relying on parents’ money, full-time jobs, saving money… it’s incredible.

 

So I might not be able to imagine being pregnant or being a mother… but that shouldn’t stop me.

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Baby Talk, Ramblings, Trying to Conceive (TTC)

A Year Has Passed

It’s been one year since we started trying for a baby.

This is not an anniversary I’ve been looking forward to. I thought I would handle it well and just accept how life has turned out.

But I’m very sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m mourning. I feel like something is very wrong with me, and in a few days I will find out if I’m even capable of having a child.

The fact that doctors make you wait a year until they even actually check… it’s just awful.

I hate how many people are telling me to relax. That it will be okay. To try these exercises, start eating these foods, etc. etc.

I wish someone can just tell me, “that fucking sucks” and just hug me. I wish they didn’t try to offer any consolation, I just want to be sad and feel like it’s okay to be sad about it.

Instead, any time I show a moment of sadness, my husband swoops in and asks me a million questions. Constantly checking on me and won’t let me just feel what I want to feel.

I don’t want pity. I just want to punch something. I catch myself thinking, “well, do we want to travel there in the fall? What if I’m pregnant?”

It’s such a stupid line of thought. “What if” “what if” “what if.” What if I only have one leg. What if I lost an eye. What if we won the lottery by then?

I have to stop thinking like that. I’m not going to bank on anything happening. I just want to focus on today and when tomorrow comes, only focus on that. I don’t want to think about the future.

No more what ifs.

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Family Drama, Ramblings

Saying Good-bye to a Dream

This week, my brother is getting married. He’s been with his future wife since 2014, and despite all the time together, I can safely speak for all of us to say that we don’t like her.

She’s not a very nice person, she’s very selfish, and she has zero interest in becoming a part of our family. She makes us all uncomfortable, and despite my parents’ protests, he is marrying her.

He proposed with my grandmother’s engagement ring, the same one my mother had. She didn’t like it, so he bought her a different one. She will not return the ring. It is now lost to her and her greed.

She has expressed no thanks and gratitude for the amount of time and work my sister and I are spending on their wedding.

When she visits my parents’ home, she leaves a mess wherever she goes. My sister, mother, and I are often cleaning up after her because my brother can’t be bothered and doesn’t see it as a problem.

She doesn’t know how to spell my name. Despite the corrections and many cards, emails, etc. that were sent between us. She still refers me to my maiden name (now legally changed) and misspells my first name.

She offers no help at family functions. She sits there and is on her computer or phone when we are all cooking and setting the table.

While my grandfather was dying in the hospital, she sat in the waiting room and began planning their wedding. This is because my brother decided to announce it, at my grandfather’s passing, that they are going to get married.

 

We’re all in mourning, in a way. Out of all of us, my father is the one most in mourning.

He had this dream, this vision, of what life would be like when he was gone. My brother would be the head of the next generation, with his children carrying on the family name and traditions.

He imagined my brother looking after all of us, just like my father did and his father did before him. He worked hard to lay a strong foundation, where my brother can easily step into the role.

But, like most things in life, life has its own ideas. My brother never took to that idea, despite him being bossy and controlling (he never had the compassion and patience of a leader), and now his choice of wife has cemented that he will never fulfill that role.

He always had a temper, often violent, growing up. He was completely cruel and devoid of any gentleness. I used to think it was normal for little boys to try to beat up their younger sisters. I used to think men were supposed to have explosive tempers and lash out at every small thing. My father wasn’t around much, due to work, so my brother was the true learning curve of men.

I am grateful to say my husband is nothing like him at all. Where my brother is angry, my husband is loving. Where my brother is full of rage, my husband is full of kindness.

When my sister and I married, we knew that our spouses should not just fit us, but be part of the family. We wanted them to have the same attitude, enthusiasm, and focus on our parents and relatives just as they would give to their parents.

We wanted to make sure it wasn’t just our husband, but another son. My parents say again and again how lucky they are, since their sons-in-law are so kind, so patient, and such good men. They say they focus on that, and not on my brother’s choices and his wife.

So why are we all surprised he married someone as aloof and selfish as him? Why are we all sitting here, in disbelief that this is where he wound up?

I guess in a way, we all had hope. My mother and father admitted that they hoped he would find someone like me in temperament. Someone gentle, good natured, patient, and very sweet (I was touched they thought this of me!). Of course, they also knew his anger and his impatience would repel any woman like that.

They thought he would find a partner who will soften him and make him more attentive, more loving to his family. Well, he is attentive and loving but only to her.

 

My mother told my brother that he is now his wife’s husband, and not her son. He got very upset, but it’s completely true. While men (and women!) should be devoted and present for their partners, their partners should remind them to be better children and siblings.

They should help you be a better person.

So while we spend a small fortune to attend a wedding that none of us want to happen or attend, we are also saying good-bye to this dream.

My sister and I are closer than ever, mainly because our husbands are very similar in temperament and extremely supportive of any family endeavor. My brother always marched to the beat of his drum, and never really liked being tied down.

We all saw this coming. Now, we finally see it happen. We are happy that he is happy, but we also know we won’t have the family we wanted.

In a way there is peace. But it hurts me to know that my parents will spend the rest of their lives, wondering, what could have been.

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